by Sunflower

I don’t often review games, but sometimes I feel like I need to let people know exactly what they’re getting into.

Enter Muscle March for the Wii, on the WiiWare service. WiiWare (and the entire Wii Shop) is absolutely horrible at letting people know what they’re getting into, with a lack of screenshots, video, and trials (for the most part!) so I’ll inform you here. Well, actually, a picture tells a thousand words, so I’ll use one to illustrate what Muscle March is.

Yep. So what do you do in this game?

The singleplayer ’story’ is that a thief has stolen your jar of muscle supplements, and you and the rest of your buff, huge friends need to chase him down. He runs through three different locales - either a city, a rural area, or a space station. You and your friends form a line and chase him. The trick is, this supplement-stealing fellow (who may be any of a handful of insane characters, like an Alien or “Rabbit Brothers” or…god knows) runs through walls to escape the pursuers. You and your other musclebound friends, however, can strike the same pose the thief struck when running through the wall to continue pursuit.

As you pursue the thief, your runner friends start dropping out due to making the wrong poses (and not going through the wall) or being foiled by items on the ground, like bananas.

There is also a 4-player multiplayer mode, if you’re so inclined. I played this alone, so I have not had a chance to play, but doubtless it is just running and posing until your friends lose.

You have a selection of seven characters, which include strangely stereotyped musclebound men from different countries, as well as one woman and one bear in a speedo. Odd stereotypes like the Russian man having a mohawk and a nose ring w/chain to eat and headphones. I’m not sure what Russia has to do with that…but the American has a football helmet. It gets more bizarre the more you look at the characters.

The music and sound is extremely charming and endearing. I was reminded of Jet Grind Radio’s original Japanese tracks when playing this game, as it has a lot of J-Pop and J-Rock in the game. The visuals look like a Dreamcast game as far as fidelity is concerned, however the fact that you’re running around as these huge men is something that anyone can love, even with poorer graphics than most Wii games.

So what about the game is fun? Well, if you think you’ll laugh at this overwhelmingly Japanese game, chances are you will enjoy it. It’s not deep - you strike four different poses. Arms up, one arm up one down, reverse, and arms down. That’s as far as the gameplay goes. Shallow as it is, it’s still a hoot to play just for the amusement factor.

Shockingly, I would recommend this game to kids - there’s not much to get ’stuck’ on. You strike poses as they go and it’s really a very simple game. If your child is alright with playing as a ripped stud in a g-string, this game is definitely meant for them. The outfits themselves are the most offensive thing in the game, so if you can get past that, you’re in for some simple, stupid fun.

Bottom line? I had fun when I played it. For 500 points ($5) I can easily recommend this game, if not for the simple fact that if you have someone over, they NEED to see this game. For people who love all things quirky and Japanese, this is a solid purchase and I can’t recommend it enough.

Verdict: Lots of fun for the price!